The First Letters of DIET are DIE
by Fullmetal224
Summary: Ed has to go on a diet for being overweight. Hilarious ending.


First Three Letters of DIET are D-I-E

The dreaded day had come. Weighing Day. The day that everyone in the military was to be weighed. Ed had done fine for a few months, but now he knew he was going to be overweight. Yesterday he had the "All-You-Can-Eat Buffet" at a restraunt and practically ate all the food there! He went to Mustang's office to excuse himself fronm being weighed.

"It's against my religion"

"You don't have a religion and you've been weighed alot of times."

"My automail will make me heavier."

"We weigh your automail first and subtract it from your actual weight. I know you are trying to excuse yourself and it's not working."

With that, Roy carried Ed to the clinic and shut the door. Ed stood in front of a nurse, wearing usual white clothes and a smile too big for her face. "Please take off your shoes and step on the scale." She said cheerfully. Ed slipped out of his tight shoes and stepped up on the scale. The nurse recorded the weight, then had Ed leave, dreading the day their weights were going to be announced.

Soon, the day came. Everyone in Mustang's group lined up, ready for their numbers to be announced.

"Roy Mustang. 60 pounds. You're 140 pounds underweight.

Jean Havoc. 170 pounds. 30 pounds underweight.

Heymans Breda. 190 pounds. 10 pounds overweight.

Kain Furey. 150 pounds. perfect weight.

Riza Hawkeye. 180 pounds. perfect weight.

Maes Hughes. 200 pounds. perfect weight.

Vato Falman. 180 pounds. perfect weight.

Edward Elric..."

The nurse widened her eyes. "Edward, you weigh 240 pounds! You're 110 pounds overweight! Not including your automail!" She yelled. Ed's eyes widened. "."

A few minutes later, Ed was in his dorm, pouting in his bed. This diet was extremely strict. No candy, no restraunt food, basically nothing he liked. Ed had tried throwing a humungous tantrum in Roy's office to try and get his way, but all that got him was a couple of swats and sent to his dorm for the rest of the day. Roy came by at mealtimes and brought him basically a platter of barf and made sure he didn't have to use the bathroom.

The next day, all Ed could get for breakfast was an apple, some eggs, and a cup of...

_milk._

Ed ate the meal in seconds, then glared at the milk. Al sighed. This always happened. Al also knew that it was the only thing his brother was allowed to drink, so he thought for a moment as Ed continued to stare at the milk. Al then brightened. He stepped out of the dorm for a few moments, and came back with a baby bottle. Ed stopped glatring at his milk and looked at Al as he poured the milk into the bottle. Ed then proceeded to yell about how disgusting milk was and how degrading it was for him to drink out of a baby bottle.

Al knew Ed wasn't going to listen, so he picked Ed up, and held him in his lap like a baby, one arm pinning Ed's arms to his sides. "AL! I'M NOT A BABY!" Ed yelled. "No, but you're acting like one. And people who act like babies get treated like babies." Al scolded. Ed groaned, and suckled on the bottle until all the milk was gone.

Two hours later, Al went out to buy some health food, and Ed's stomach growled. Ed felt like crying right there. He then got an idea. He knew of a secret sweet vault the cooks kept in the back of the kitchen. If he could just sneak in there, he would be free of this terrible diet.

That night, Ed sneaked off to the back of the kitchen, and saw two guards in the way of the sweets vault. He frowned. He wasn't expecting THAT. He then smiled. He knew a way to get guards away from their posts. He walked up to them, and said the colonel let him off the diet since he actually weighed 20 pounds underweight, and believe it or not, they fell for it. They moved aside, and opened the sweets vault.

There was all the candy that only Ed could ever dream of eating. Just the sight made him want to drool all over the floor. He jumped in, and started to gobble as if he hadn't eaten in weeks.

The next morning found Edward with a very upset stomach, and chocolate smeared all over his mouth. Various candies were scattered all over the floor, with two unconscious guards. Ed looked up, to see a very angry Al.

"Sorry, Al. They started it..." Ed mumbled, pointing to the candy still in the vault. Al sighed, and dragged Ed to his dorm. In the dorm, Ed had some "encouragement" from Al.

"WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING EDWARD! YOU COULD WEIGH EVEN MORE NOW AND MAYBE NOT BE A STATE ALCHEMIST ANYMORE! OR WORSE, YOU'LL DIE OF A HEART ATTACK!"

Ed shrank back as he was scolded. They then saw Roy walk in the doorway. "Edward, Alphonse, the guards that were tricked so easily are now sent to a pig farm in Resembool. As for you, Ed, you're going to get to go to the bathroom very well, for Al and I are going to give you a special medicine to clean out your colon so you don't gain as much weight. But if you don't lose at least 40 pounds by the end of the month, you will lose your State Alchemist Certification." He explained, then left.

Al took out the container of castor oil, and poured it into a spoon. He held the spoon out to Ed. Ed stared at it, but refused to open his mouth. "Ed, this will help you with your diet. It will help you lose the weight from the candy you ate so you don't gain 20 more pounds. So either you take this, or you'll be put on a more strict diet." Al coaxed. Ed sighed, and opened his mouth. Al gave him the medicine, which tasted like snails mixed with spoiled milk. Ed shuddered. Al poured some more on the spoon.

"Haven't I had enough?" Ed asked, feeling sick. "Just one more and you're done." Al prodded. Ed sighed again, and took it with another shudder. An hour later, Ed was laying on his bed, clutching his stomach. "Ed? What's-" Al never got to finish as Ed ran out the door. Al looked out into the hallway, and saw Ed frantically run to the bathroom. Al chuckled. That was Ed for you.

40 minutes later, Ed came back in, a little happy. "What are you so happy about, Ed?" Al asked. "I think I lost weight! At least 40 pounds! I'll be taken off this diet in a jiffy!" Ed exclaimed. Al sighed. he carried Ed to their personal bathroom scale in the corner, made Ed take off his boots and coat, then made Ed stand on the scale.

169 pounds

"You lost a pound!" Al exclaimed in fake excitement. If looks could kill, Al would be dead now. Ed stepped of the scale, and layed on the bed, moaning and kicking his feet in a silent tantrum. Al just looked on and let him let his anger out, knowing any interference would just make it worse. After the tantrum, Al patted Ed's head in understanding. "I gotta get off this diet soon, before my life becomes a living torture rack."

The last two days haven't been any better. The guys in the command center were practically trying to torture Ed. They ate all they could eat in front of him, and however much he begged, no one payed him any mind. Once he tried to beg Havoc for a sliver of his chocolate cake, and just when Havoc was going to say yes, Al caught him and dragged him away for a three-hour lecture. th second day everyone was going to an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet in the cafeteria, and Ed wasn't allowed to go, and tantrumed the whole time until he fell asleep.

The next morning, Ed felt his stomach growl again. He really felt like crying now. He begged Al for a bigger breakkfast, but all Al gave him was his usual eggs and apple, along with a stern "It's for your own good."

After lunch, Al dragged Ed to the fitness room, which was noticably empty. Al had Ed use all the equipment in there, and whenever Ed would have a tantrum, Al kept him on an empty space in the floor, letting him kick, punch, and scream until he was calmed.

After the fitness, Al had Ed go to the bathroom, before heading for their dorm. In the dorm, Ed flopped on his bed and sighed. Al sighed as well, but for another reason. Ed was acting alot like a brat who never got what he wanted, not seeing the good they were trying to do for him. It annoyed Al to a point where he just wanted to yell. And he was sure if Ed had another one of his tantrums, he was surely going to lose it.

As if on cue, Ed started to kick his feet and pound on the bed. Al growled, and stomped over to Ed. Ed heard the thumps of Al's armor, and turned toward him, before feeling himself being forcefully sat up in the bed.

"EDWARD, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THESE TANTRUMS AND THIS SULKING! YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A SPOILED LITTLE BRAT! WE ARE NOT STARVING YOU, WE ARE JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU SO YOU DON'T LOSE YOUR CERTIFICATION OR WORSE DIE OF A HEART ATTACK! BUT WHENEVER I TRY TO HELP ALL I GET IS ARGUING AND TANTRUMS AND SULKING! EITHER YOU LEARN TO SHAPE UP OR I'LL MAKE YOU!"

The scolding was so loud some people came to see what was going on. All they saw was an Ed ready to cry and a stern Al looming over him. Soon, a tear rolled over Ed's cheek as he looked up at his brother. "So are you ready to shape up?" Al asked, ignoring the crowd. Ed nodded silently. Al shooed the crowd away, and closed the door.

After a month had passed, it was weighing day again. before the weighing began, the nurse called Roy and Ed into the office. Ed shuddered. Was he still overweight? The nurse looked at the two, and smiled. "I'm sorry, but we looked in the records, and saw we had the weights mixed up. It was Roy that was 110 pounds overweight! Ed was 60 pounds, so I'm excusing him from being weighed. I know he's been through a lot of torture." She said, giving Ed a pat on the head. "As for you, Colonel Mustang..."

The next month found Ed stuffing his face with all the sweets he could ever eat, and as for Roy, his month had him being force-fed castor oil and vegatables.

I'm done! R&R!


End file.
